TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let's have A different put exactly where American Guys can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer you All people a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It's that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred Trump Tower Damascus towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a element becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting interest from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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